Sheep

There is no dumber animal on the farm. While they are beautiful in the field, and relatively low on the maintenance scale, they’re horrible at affection. Like many of my previous relationships, they run away when I approach. All they want is food and when they get it, they don’t care any more about you. Even their children, the one’s you hand fed as babies, only want the hay. They don’t even have time for a pat on the head.

When you shear them, you would think you were killing them. I would’ve assumed shaving off about six inches of thick, hot wool from your body in April would be a good thing – almost orgasmic. And maybe it is for the sheep. We’ll just never know as their fear of being manhandled fills them with fear. Granted, I don’t shear them. As the going rate per sheep is $5, I’ll leave this farm chore to the professionals. For the same reason I don’t change my own oil in the car – someone already knows how to do it. And they need a paycheck.

I know there is someone out there that does have a healthy relationship with his or her sheep.  They’ll also probably disagree with my assessment of their intelligence. Just like someone is going to contend that living on a farm is the best thing that’s ever happened in his or her life. But remember, just because you say it doesn’t make it true. I may have some affectionate moments with one or two rams, but that’s the exception and not the rule.  After growing a flock for three years, I’m confident I have not met a dumber animal.

Llamas

A llama strangled me once. I’ve been spit on, neigh, actually puked on, by llamas more times then I can count. Llama feet have stomped on mine. And still, I’m obsessed. They’re like big cats. You want to pet a llama? Have them move into another pasture? Have them pose for ironic pictures? Llamas don’t care. Granted, they can be trained. Like anything, give it enough treats and tie a rope around it, and eventually, you’ll win the day. My llamas run wild – semi-controllable, but still with a mind of their own.

Independent animals make me happy. If you can offer me a little sass and then entertain yourself, I’m in heaven. Horses are needy. They must be trained. Goats are like dogs. Chickens are messy. Llamas are barnyard snobs. They would summer in the East Hamptons, have a private table at Le Cirque, wear black label alpaca knitwear, and rifle though your medicine cabinet without a second thought. And if you caught them in the act? They’d just spit on you and walk away.

But they live for a long time. And if they get sick, they can die very quickly. They’re very susceptible to a worm that crawls into the llama stomach via deer poop. If they successfully enter the llama system, they’ll mess with their brains, and voila, you’re animal will be dead. To combat this you need to worm them consistently. But like anything, you’ll get different advice about how to do it or when to do it. And then one will die. Even if they did strangle you or spit on you, you feel bad and guilty and question why you live on a farm at all.

The Reality of Farming

Living on the farm is not romantic. Don’t believe all they hype. That Martha Stewart barn probably cost more than your house. And she has animal caretakers. Many people don’t. It’s easier to love a donkey if you don’t have to clean up its poop every day. If you enjoy waking up every morning, and walking outside no matter the weather, to only be barked, mooed, oinked, or “bahhed” at for food then you’re a saint. Do it twice a day, again at sunset, and you’re crazy.

Mud, manure, spit, blood; you name it, and you will be covered in it. You’re nose will become desensitized to smells that were once horrific. And you’ll continue to wear the same boots until their odor starts to alienate your animal friends. Days are no longer your own. Water must be provided, with no exception. Fences must be mended. Animals must eat. If a goat or horse escapes, everything stops until they’re caught again. If there’s an injury, the vet must be called. And the bills must get paid. Hay must be obtained, and stockpiled if possible.

It may be your dream to own a farm. But think about it first. It can quickly become the ball and chain around your life. Say good-bye to late nights out with friends, goodbye to vacations, and most importantly, say hello to reality. Those Housewives are living a fantasy. Let’s see them help birth a lamb.